I aspired for an accolade, a destination I deemed as the ultimate success, The Lay man’s dream.
It all began in 2013, When I was awakened to it I believed it to be the fitting climax to my education and through every breath I uttered it.
It was a competition and the victory was the nectar of immortality I believed would redeem me of all the mistakes and bad deeds I ever committed. Redemption had always been my Achille’s heel and regret my ruler. My predecessors were always too close yet too late. I always helped them get a little closer in hopes that when it was my time I would be able to taste the victory.
On the fateful morning of August 12th, 2017 my verdict awaited me. I gripped onto the only solid surface around, a plastic chair I was seated on while I frantically counted every second while my surrounding buzz was muted to a lull. A Nostalgia sank right there when I realised I’d passed the point of no return and a familiar scene, a memory appeared of me awaiting a result I knew I had no chance at. My name hadn’t been called out, It had not gone as I’d hoped but I refused to consider that I’d failed, That I’d failed at a dream I held onto for the past four years.
What do I tell those who’d hoped for me, To those who cheered me on, Who’d sacrificed so much for me. What do I tell myself who’d been striving so much for it all to be over anticlimactic. I was frozen in thought though I moved like any other and spoke with no hard feelings or hurt. The following day was supposedly the one I’d marked to be an opening for my life ahead but it was filled darkness, I couldn’t even spill a tear and move on. I was stuck in a time loop while everything was moving forward, ‘Was I breathing?’ I couldn’t answer or explain my thoughts.
My best friend had gifted me a buddha carved out of brown stone that reminded me of my skin colour. Was I a stone made of pure regret and nothing more? A couple of weeks passed before I could regain my senses and a new kind of strength grew within me.
I held the buddha yet again and realised that this was the best thing that could happen to me. It was an opportunity in disguise.
The Aching had not stopped the dream had not vanished but I could see clearly. It transformed into something new, the step in evolution. My dream was no more tied to accolades and incentives awarded by external parties.