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pre-destined

She was with me

Right there

Before the candle blew it all away


I was tapping my feet to the rhythm of the water trickling into the bottle

I was alone in the kitchen

My feet numb and one with the stone beneath


45 days earlier

Alright.

I am alright, I kept chanting to myself.

When I lifted my lids to view her

she was swirling the spoon in the porridge bowl,

"If ships sink and planes crash how do submarines die?"

She questioned me

I narrowed my eyes and stared at her not sure what she meant

She continued,

"My cells have died and birthed new ones

Yet I'm not over him,

Is love a submarine

Does it never end?"


4 hours before

The bazaar was unusually empty, perhaps I've always visited this street during its prime hours and it was odd to be here during daylight hours. the light filtered through the tall canopies and fell lithely on a few hawkers nesting on their patches of white polyester. A few people were pacing the stretch and just one figure stood there on the sidelines staring at the small glass window that displayed glimmering imitation jewellery. She had her hands clasped behind her back and her mouth pursed like a toddler aspiring for a toy. The bag hung down low from her fingers limp with no contents. I was much closer than I realised and I'd come quicker than my prior pace, In anticipation to get closer to her. I lightly jumped in front of her with a slight excitement and ring in my voice

"Hey, funny seeing you here'

"Oh, hey

Oh. Wow,

Yea, whoa

I wasn't expecting to see you here"

"me neither", I smiled

We both continued to walk along the direction I was headed.

"So were you interested in those chokers?" I prompted

She looked at me and laughed like I caught her at a guilty act.

"I did purchase one for a friend's wedding last december" I said

"Oh really?" she fluttered her eyelids

"Yea, I must be having a picture of it somewhere. Would you like to see it?"

"Did you have fun at the wedding?"

"Wanna have a cup of tea or snacks here?" I paused and pointed at the small stall on our left.

She lightly shrugged with a smile "it might as well be my breakfast"


We secured a couple of seats along the walkway near the stall and

each with a different utensil holding varying contents.

I tried to continue where we'd left off

"The wedding was fun, I hadn't planned for it much.

So there was no anticipation thrill.

Are you looking out for something to wear for a wedding as well?"

"Yea, It's a family wedding" she responded.

Unlike it's meaning, the 'family wedding' she uttered seemed very forlorn sounding and I wasn't sure what made her feel so, Was it the family part or the wedding.


"What's bothering you?" I was concerned.

She didn't look up from what her palms held.

Perhaps It was both.

She slowly shook her head and looked up

"Nothing really" a tiny smile widened her lips

but her very own eyes questioned it.

I parted my lips with disbelief and pity

After a long pause she started "Its perhaps because there's neither a sense of family according to my head nor is there any wedding cheers left that could lift my mood"


"What I perceived to be as family is non-existent now,

when my home is empty and I have no will to step out or return to the vacant shell.

How do I share the happiness of another and

celebrate their special day when days are no more an entity for me but a matter of the past.

Everything physical and outside my consciousness has drawn out to a slower pace while everything emotional and within has quickened to match the light that fails to awaken me"


"He's gone

and so has everything I thought was life."


the moments of silence thereafter stretched similar to the exterior she mentioned. I felt it like I was now a part of her reality and my brain was screaming. I wanted to shed a tear but couldn't